3.6 “Tickets, Please”

“Bad form, Steph. Why were you using his [Dick’s] car? It’s American, isn’t it?”
“I was buying shoes – I needed a wagon.” — Michael & Stephanie

Dick gets in trouble for Stephanie's parking tickets.

WRITER: Barton Dean
DIRECTOR: John Tracy
GUEST STARS: Jeff Corey (Judge Drayton), Patrick Collins (Stuart Cogswell; guest), Todd Susman (Officer Shifflett), Barbara Perry (Guest)


MAIN PLOT: Dick is in the middle of showing some guests around the Stratford when Officer Shifflett comes in and announces that Dick is under arrest for failing to pay for some parking tickets (which Dick claims he already paid off). Dick is forced to go down to the police station; and then afterward he’s taken before Judge Drayton, who orders him to pay a hefty fine. When Dick shows the judge the check stubs as proof that he already paid the tickets, Judge Drayton reveals that there are three other outstanding tickets. When Dick denies even knowing about these last tickets, he insults the judge, who orders him to twenty hours of community service painting the town hall – starting tomorrow, which will cause Dick to miss seeing the Celtics game with George.

Meanwhile, back at the Stratford, Stephanie and Michael return from a day of skiing and Joanna fills them in on what happened to Dick. After Joanna leaves the room, Stephanie guiltily admits to Michael that SHE is the one who received the tickets – on a weekend when Dick and Joanna were out of town, she used Dick’s car to go shopping. But she never paid the tickets off. Michael reassures Stephanie that Dick won’t be mad at her, but when she sees how angry Dick is on returning from his visit with the judge, she loses her nerve and decides to stay quiet.

The next day, a grumpy Dick leaves for community service while Stephanie tries to compensate for her guilt by cleaning the inn from top to bottom. After her guilt causes her to turn down an afternoon date with Michael, she has a heart-to-heart with George, during which she reveals that she’s never been punished for anything in her life. George relates a story from his childhood that finally convinces Stephanie to go and tell Dick the truth.

At the town hall, Dick is painting the walls under the supervision of Officer Shifflett. Stephanie arrives and admits to getting the tickets. While she tries to defend her actions, a furious Dick is hearing none of it. So she tells him that she will stay and paint the hall while he goes to the Celtics game. As he leaves, he agrees to forgive her (but that doesn’t stop her from pouting).

ALSO IN THIS EPISODE: Joanna is forced to deal with a guest who appears to be violating the Stratford’s “no pets” policy.




JOANNA: You’ll have to excuse me, Mr. Cogswell. Today’s our maid’s day off. It’s the only chance I have to get the cleaning done.

DICK: What did I do?
OFFICER SHIFFLET: Well, you – held up a liquor store.
DICK: What??
OFFICER SHIFFLET: Oh, sorry, wrong warrant.

[As Dick is being arrested in front of his guests]
DICK: Look, I’m sorry about this. We’ll be back before you know it.
GUEST: Well, just in case you’re not, Mr. Loudon, thanks for everything. You have a LOVELY hideout!

DICK: I was arrested in front of my guests! I was thrown in a cell with a guy who actually smelled like he could have been Jack Daniels! And then the judge fined me $275 for a crime I never committed!
JOANNA: Well, I believe you honey, but that was no reason to lose your head outside the courthouse!
DICK: Honey, in this great country of ours, civil disobedience is a birthright. Besides, I don’t think the judge even saw who threw that snowball.

DICK: Out of my way!!
JOANNA: Who are you talking to??
DICK: A chair!

MR. COGSWELL: I didn’t see you standing there.
JOANNA: I’ve been on a diet.

JOANNA: So how was skiing?
STEPHANIE: Wonderful. I had a lesson with the single most gorgeous ski instructor on this planet: Wolfgang.
JOANNA: (looking at Michael) Stephanie!
STEPHANIE: Oh, he doesn’t mind! Do you, “Wolfie”?

[Stephanie tells Michael that she got the tickets while using Dick’s car]
MICHAEL: Bad form, Steph…why were you using his car? It’s American, isn’t it?
STEPHANIE: I was buying shoes – I needed a wagon.

JUDGE DRAYTON: Well, what can I do for you?
DICK: Uh, Judge Drayton, I’m sure you’re probably a decent guy, but your decision this morning really sucked rope. Your honor.

JOANNA: Stephanie, is anything wrong?
STEPHANIE: Why would you think that?
JOANNA: Well, you’re working. Hard.
STEPHANIE: It’ll pass.

MICHAEL: Nice jumpsuit, Dick. Mid-life crisis?
DICK: No, they have this rule that says if you do community service work you have to look like the village idiot.

MICHAEL: (to Stephanie) Remember, you’ve got that cute little nose. No one can take that away from you!

[Joanna hands Dick an old-fashioned black lunch box]
JOANNA: Here’s your lunch, honey.
DICK: Joanna, I was ordered to do community service work, not impersonate Ralph Kramden.

GEORGE: Maybe you could talk to the judge one more time.
DICK: George, if I try to prove my innocence anymore, I’ll wind up on death row.

STEPHANIE: Have fun.
DICK: Yeah, yeah, we’re talkin’ Mardi Gras.

STEPHANIE: Did you ever get punished when you were a child?
GEORGE: Sure, didn’t everyone?
GEORGE: Never?
STEPHANIE: Not even the time I cut leather doll clothes out of the upholstery in my father’s Rolls Royce.
GEORGE: And he didn’t punish you for that??
STEPHANIE: He gave me a pony.
STEPHANIE: He said I’d shown ingenuity and imagination. Well…I had, you know.

OFFICER SHIFFLET: Well, I had better pick up some brewskis. The guys are coming over to watch the Celtics game this afternoon.
DICK: I had tickets to that game.
OFFICER SHIFFLET: Looks like you paid for the wrong tickets! Ha ha ha!

STEPHANIE: Dick, do you remember when you and Joanna went to that writers conference in New York and you took her car?
DICK: Yeah.
STEPHANIE: Well you didn’t take…your car.

STEPHANIE: I got some parking tickets.
DICK: Ah. Why didn’t you pay them?
STEPHANIE: I was going to, but there was this series of monetary disasters.
DICK: Oh. Like what?
STEPHANIE: Well, my hair dryer died and I had an overdue phone bill. You have to pay those, or you can get in really big trouble.
DICK: Really.
STEPHANIE: Yeah. And if that wasn’t enough, Callom’s had this really huge sweater sale!
DICK: A sweater sale is not a disaster!
STEPHANIE: It would have been if I hadn’t gotten this purple one.

DICK: Let me get this straight. You borrowed my car, ran up some tickets, didn’t pay them, didn’t bother to tell me, let me take the rap, so I’m standing here in this silly jumpsuit and missing the basketball game of the century.
STEPHANIE: That’s pretty much it. I’m glad you’re taking it like this. I was afraid you were going to yell.
STEPHANIE: Well, that’s sure a relief!

STEPHANIE: I was going to tell you! But you were so mad, you had this look in your eye – that’s the one! And the longer I waited, the harder it got.
DICK: That is no excuse.
STEPHANIE: Well, it would be a lot easier for a person to do the decent thing if they made it more fun, you know!

DICK: If Judge Drayton finds out I left here, he’ll sentence me to fifteen years in the electric chair.
STEPHANIE: Well, I guess if anyone has to paint this place, it should be…someone else.
DICK: Like who?
STEPHANIE: Okay, okay, okay! I’ll paint it for you. But it’s not fair, George got to play catch!
DICK: I’d ask what that means, but I have a tip off to miss.
STEPHANIE: Dick? Do you forgive me.
DICK: (mimicking Stephanie) “Okay, okay, okay”!


* This is the first-ever appearance of Officer Shifflett (Todd Susman), a character we will see more and more of as the show continues.

* Jeff Corey (who plays Judge Drayton) is well known both as an acting teacher (Jack Nicholson, James Dean and Robin Williams were among his many students) and as a survivor of the Hollywood blacklist — when Corey was identified as a former member of the Communist party, he refused to testify; as a result, he was barred from working in Hollywood for the whole of the 1950s. He also guest-starred on “The Bob Newhart Show” (as Dr. Scott Rivers).




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