8.2 “Get Dick”

“Hubert wants to kill me. I don’t understand all the details, but it involves cheese. — Dick

A local restaurant owner swears revenge on Dick.

WRITER: Nell Scovell
DIRECTOR: Peter Baldwin
GUEST STARS: I.M. Hobson (Hubert)


MAIN PLOT: Dick and Joanna are celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary by having dinner at Maison Hubert. As the owner, Hubert, explains, it also happens to be the 10 year anniversary of the restaurant’s opening. Joanna and Dick exchange gifts (he gets her a yellow scarf for the 20th time, and she gives him a tie clip she designed herself). After the dinner, Dick goes to the restroom to discreetly smoke his annual anniversary cigar.

The next morning, Joanna and Dick learn that Maison Hubert burned down the night before. According to George, who was at the scene as a volunteer fireman, the fire was caused by a lit cigar someone tossed in the bathroom trashcan. Joanna blames Dick and urges him to apologize to Hubert.

Later, Hubert comes by the inn to visit with Dick and Joanna. He laments that he was only able to save one espresso machine from the restaurant, and that while he has insurance money, he feels that a second restaurant would never be as good as the first. Dick offers Hubert a room at the inn for as long as Hubert needs. Then he admits that he was the one who caused the fire. While at first Hubert appears to accept Dick’s apology, after Joanna leaves the room, Hubert violently threatens Dick with revenge (or, as Hubert terms it, Dick will “sleep with the cheeses!”).

Dick spends the next day worrying about the different ways Hubert might try to kill him. First he accuses Hubert of poisoning the breakfast, and then he suspects that Hubert has tampered with the brakes on his car. Later that afternoon, with Michael at work, Joanna at the mall, and George apparently bribed by Hubert to leave the inn for the next few hours, Dick panics at being left alone with the “deranged Frenchman.” He breaks down and asks Hubert to just get his revenge over with. But Hubert surprises Dick by gleefully admitting the revenge was merely about scaring him. With the revenge now over, the two agree to have lunch together.

ALSO IN THIS EPISODE: Brunet Darryl is envious of Blond Darryl’s full lips (which get him attention from the girls at the DMV), so Larry sets out to get him cosmetic surgery, with mixed results; Michael misses Stephanie, who has gone to Newport to visit her family (for more on this, see “Trivia” section below).




HUBERT: Do you know what is the dream is every little French boy?
DICK: To dance the can-can with Jerry Lewis?
HUBERT: That goes without saying.

JOANNA: Did Stephanie’s flight get off on time?
MICHAEL: Well, there was an hour delay.
DICK: Engine trouble?
MICHAEL: No, it took the ground crew that long to pry me off the landing gear.

JOANNA: (about Stephanie) She’ll be back in a few days!
MICHAEL: How can you be so sure?
DICK: She only took a dozen suitcases.

MICHAEL: (to Brunet Darryl) Being the possessor of prodigious puckers, let me offer you a little lip service: collagen implants, the New Age cure for the kissing impaired.
LARRY: It was good enough for Cannes Film Festival Award Winner Barbara Hershey.

JOANNA: Dick, you went to the men’s room, you smoked the cigar, and you burned down Maison Hubert!
DICK: Joanna, you can’t go around accusing people with nothing more than — than overwhelming evidence!

MICHAEL: (to Dick) You turned our four-star bistro into a four-alarm flambé??

HUBERT: One moment I have everything. The next, poof, all gone. Except this espresso maker I rescued as I knocked the bus boys out of my way.
DICK: Did I tell you how much I enjoyed dinner last night?

HUBERT: Of course, I can rebuild, but sequels, they are never as good. Remember Arthur 2: On the Rocks?
DICK: Well, how about Police Academy 6? I thought Bubba Smith gave the performance of his life.
HUBERT: True, true, but without the dynamic Steve Guttenberg, the film was just so much fluff.

DICK: By the way, feel free to stay here for a couple of days, until the shock wears off and you’re ready to go back home.
HUBERT: Monsieur Dick, Maison Hubert means “Home of Hubert.”
DICK: Well, then feel free to stay here the rest of your natural life.
HUBERT: Oh, merci, you are too generous to Hubert. My eyes, they must weep.

HUBERT: Thank God for my friends, thank God for America, but most of all, thank God for Dick Louden!
DICK: I — I burned down your restaurant.
HUBERT: Pardon?

[Hubert informs Dick of the meaning behind the old French saying, “The man who burns down my house, he sleeps with the cheeses”]
HUBERT: There is no escape from the cheese. Run to Holland, there is gouda. Run to Greece, there is feta. Climb up bean stalk, there is jack.
DICK: I’m afraid you lost me in Greece.
HUBERT: I will have my revenge, good friend. You will not know when. You will not know how. But as long as there is hair on the side of my head, I will get you, Dick Louden! I will get you!!

DICK: I said I was sorry.
HUBERT: Oh, you’re sorry, well then everything is magnifique, let’s go dancing!

HUBERT: I was just telling Monsieur that when the firemen arrived, I put them in the no smoking section!
JOANNA: (laughing) Isn’t he a riot?
DICK: Yeah he’s — he’s killing me.

DICK: (to Joanna) Hubert wants to kill me. I don’t understand all the details, but it — it involves cheese.

MICHAEL: Oh, Hubert, couldn’t you just stay here and take care of us forever and ever and ever?
GEORGE: Pleeeease?
DICK: Now, now, I’m sure Hubert’s a very busy man. He has other innkeepers to terrorize.

MICHAEL: Hubert, did you poison Dick’s omelet?
HUBERT: Aw, but you are too clever. Oui, I poison Monsieur Dick’s omelet, and I poison your omelet and yours and yours and yours and yours! All the omelets are poisoned, run for your life, run for your life!
GEORGE: See, Dick, he was using sarcasm to make a point.
DICK: I guess it was too subtle for me, George.

DICK: I’m going to drive over to Danny’s Diner and have some food that’s not poisoned.
JOANNA: Well, don’t worry about your brakes, they’re fine now.
DICK: …My brakes were fine before.
JOANNA: Hubert didn’t think so. He was afraid they might give out rounding Johnny Cake Curve.
GEORGE: What a lovely guy. I’m not sure I could wake up at 3AM to fix Dick’s brakes.
DICK: I’m going to go upstairs and suck up some toothpaste.

[Joanna’s going out shopping]
DICK: Maybe I’ll tag along. I only say that because there’s a deranged Frenchman here who wants to kill me.

HUBERT: I said I would get you and I get you! I get you good!
DICK: How did you get me?
HUBERT: You don’t eat, you don’t sleep, for one whole day I make your entire life miserable. Ah hah!
DICK: Then — then you’re not trying to kill me?
HUBERT: If I were to kill you, I make you eat German food.


* Stephanie does not appear in this episode because it was filmed when portrayer Julia Duffy was on maternity leave following the birth of her second child, Daniel Duffy Lacy.

* Random scene: Michael does an Al Jolson impression.

* Good continuity: George as a volunteer fireman (a job he took on in Season 2).

* Hollywood reference: Barbara Hershey won back-to-back awards in 1987 and 1988 for Best Actress at the Cannes Film Festival, and later was ridiculed for injecting collagan into her lips before starring in 1988’s Beaches.

* Hollywood reference: Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988) and Police Academy 6 (1989) were both critically-panned box office bombs.




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